Home is Where the Heart Is

"Home is where the heart is."

I used to hear this quote and think that it meant a home was a house that was filled with love, specifically from a family. Whether it was just a husband and wife that lived there, or children as well. It was a place that was filled with many hours of hard work and devotion. Not just a built structure but a place that is welcoming, cozy, inviting, because of the people that live there and the atmosphere they created.

Lately I have been waking up with this feeling of emptiness. I feel kind of lost. I do the same thing on a weekly basis. Work three or four days. Hang out with close friends. Make time to see family or those I've lost touch with. Do some house work. Watch a couple movies. And lose myself in a book. Where is the meaning behind it? I feel like I'm doing nothing, which it's summer, I have a legitimate excuse for doing nothing. So why am I not enjoying it?

I thought I knew what it meant to be home. I had agreed that "there's no place like home." Home for me was Toledo, Ohio, the place of my birth. It was the place I was familiar with, the place where all my friends were, the only place I really knew.

The longer I stay, the more I realize I'm a stranger to my city. I drive around and see that businesses have been demolished, others have change their name, new ones have been created. New people are moving in on the block, others moving out, and a high school I have strong ties to is changing. I come back and wonder how all of this could happen in the 8 months I was gone. I didn't realize I would come back and the Toledo I knew wasn't going to be the same Toledo I knew when I left.

As for the group of friends I hang out with and in a way, I feel like I'm intruding. I look at them and realize how little they have changed. They're the same great people they always were, but the schedule of the day and their personalities have not changed a bit. I come back and more people have been added to "the crew" and I sometimes feel out of place. I know that I have changed, but I wonder if they see it too? We don't know each other as well anymore. We know each others lives in Toledo, but for the past 8 months they cannot even fathom what my life in Midland has consisted of, and while I have a slim idea of their schedule here, I cannot guess to the full extent their first year of college.

I visited Midland the other day, thinking I would feel more at ease. It would be a nice day vacation from my feelings here. When I got there though, I felt just as lost as I did in Toledo. I drove onto Northwood's campus and could just feel the emptiness. It wasn't the same knowing that kids weren't in class. It had a different feeling to it than it did during the school year. I returned home confused and frustrated. I felt out of place in both cities, so where did I belong?

I have come to the conclusion that my feeling of emptiness is a result of being without my friends. While I have my good friends in Toledo, I no longer have the same ties to them and this city. Many of the people here have become acquaintances rather than friends, while in Midland I have the same familiarity I used to know in high school. Even if you don't necessarily know the person, chances are they're a familiar face you've seen around. It's comforting.

So, ask me now where home is. I've decided that home is where your friends are, where your comfort is. So, where do I call home? Toledo is still my home. I can always come here knowing I'm returning to open arms and support from my family and friends and those who love me. Midland is my home. Even though there are not many students up there right now, there are still a few close friends as well as some of my sisters. Home right now for me also is Brooklyn, MI, Troy, MI, Macomb, MI, Saline, MI, Holly Springs, NC and Chicago, IL. My heart is with people that live in these cities and will continue to be with them no matter where they go. So it's true what they say- Home is where the heart is.

The Bad Outweighs the Good

Have you ever felt that when you do something wrong everyone hears about it? Even more unnerving is when you do something really spectacular and nobody knows about it or chooses not to care. Why is that? Why does everyone enjoy taking pleasure in our poor choices or a once-in-a-lifetime mistake, yet no one wants to take the time out to say congratulations, nice job, or even thank you?

I can't answer that question for you, but if it's any comfort, I'm here to let you know you're not alone. I remember this same theory being taught to us in my marketing class in high school. Our teacher reminded us more than once that it is important to make the least amount of mistakes possible when it comes to your business or product. 'You may be doing something great,' she had said 'but it only takes one little mistake. A customer is more likely to share stories about a problem they had with your company/product than a good experience.'

What really gets to me though is that this concept applies to our daily news as well. I consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person, but when it comes to current events I'm completely clueless. Why, you may ask? It's a simple answer, really. I refuse to watch the news (well, most of the time). Most of the information or news I am knowledgeable about is through research on the web. I heard the basic piece of information from some individual and was intrigued enough to pursue the whole story. Why do I refuse to watch the news? Because it's all bad news.

Think about it. You turn on the news, what do you hear? There will most likely be a report about the economy being so lousy, people losing jobs, businesses closing down, numerous murders or robberies that have occurred, and of course, the latest on the BP oil spill. Think about it. You pull out the daily newspaper, what do you read? In Toledo you'll read an article about people losing jobs, money cuts being made, schools shutting down, murders and robberies, and of course, more about the BP oil spill. Why is it that all we hear is bad news? Well, I believe it has something to do with the fact that it's been proven that bad news sells.

So now my concern becomes, why is it that bad news sells? Why are we as people so interested in bad things? People always turn to the theory that listening to other people's misfortunes and being able to criticize them for it makes us feel better about our own lives, but is that really true?

After watching a half hour segment of the news, I honestly usually feel quite depressed. I don't understand how people can be so stupid, greedy, or cruel. I try to think back on something positive that was discussed, and the only thing I can usually come up with is something from the sports segment. It's upsetting for me. I understand it's important to be aware of what's going on in the world, and I understand that there are a lot of bad things that happen, but can't we include some of the positive things too? I want to hear more about people helping people, more about community events, more about community service. I want to hear or read a story that makes me think "wow, I am proud to be associated with this business, person, country, etc." instead of shaking my head and saying "tisk tisk tisk" because the government, community, some rockstar of the week, etc. has done something idiotic AGAIN.

I don't know about you, but I have my own problems to handle and big decisions to make. We don't appreciate it when peers are gossiping about our shortcomings or misfortunes. So why do we enjoy exploiting celebrities and political figures? Maybe there wouldn't be so many problems in the world if people stopped worrying about others mistakes and focused on fixing their own.

Time is of the Essence

As Americans, we are owned by our schedule. Ever since 1st grade we have been victims to assignment books- reminders that we need to schedule required homework somewhere into our evening plans. Whether or not we used them is one thing, but the idea was still there.

We are slaves to our schedules. Work schedules, class schedules, random crap we have to take care of throughout the week. They dictate what time we get up in the morning and what time we go to sleep, depending on what needs to be done. The more work, the more hours we put into a day. The more plans, you can count on less rest.

One day I asked my neighbors from Haiti what the biggest changes were when they came to America. One of their responses was the way that people live their lives. In Haiti they would wake up in the morning not sure of what they were going to do. Here people wake up with a whole list of things that need to be done and the time at which they are going to do it. The hustle and bustle of it all was a big change. Places to go, people to see. It's nice to get more things done throughout the day they had said, it was just a change in lifestyles.

I myself am addicted to my schedule. During the school year especially, I was very predictable. You could count on seeing me in the cafeteria or Midcaf every day at 11:30 eating lunch, and again at 5:30 eating dinner. On Tuesdays and Thursdays before my 10:00a.m. I would get myself a small french vanilla cappuccino to keep me awake through Public Relations and later Macroeconomics. There were many times I was reluctant to go out and do something because I didn't have it planned and would have rather stayed around the dorms relaxing, or vice versa, I forced myself to go somewhere because I had planned to do it, even though when the moment had come I really didn't want to.

As a child, when I would act up, I was always told "there's a time and place for everything." So in a roundabout way, there's a schedule for my attitude and behaviors too. Or is there? I've tried to manipulate my feelings through scheduling and planning, but rarely does it work out. I mean, like anything else it would have its ups and downs. Up: You break up with your boyfriend of three years and instead of spending six months crying about it, you schedule yourself a week time of grievance and after that week, voia la, you're single and ready to mingle. Down: How ridiculous would it sound when the guy you're dating goes in for the first kiss and you pull back and say "Excuse me, do you think we could try this again tomorrow? I wasn't planning for the first kiss to happen today."

Lately I've been attempting a confession (the same confession that inspired Embrace Opportunity). I've planned how and when I was going to make it, but when things didn't go as planned I chickened out. So there in lies my problem. I've been attempting to reschedule this confession, but once again don't know if it's the time. I want the perfect timing. After much frustration and a million texts ranting about my feelings, it was brought to my attention that maybe there is never really a right time. Maybe there are some things you can't plan, they simply just have to happen, like the first kiss from before. Who's to say that the time is right or wrong? It will happen when both people in the relationship are ready. Maybe I should give up scheming and trust my feelings for a change. Play out the situation with the feelings in my heart instead of the schedule in my head. Because when things don't go as planned, we panic.

Life's too short to let our agenda dictate our lives. While there are certain schedules we have to follow like work and school, there needs to be room for spontaneity. After all, can we say that we have lived life to the fullest if everything we ever did was already planned ahead of time? Where's the fun in that? So, to my planner, I apologize, but we must end ties for the summer. I am going to miss you in a way that most might not understand. It's going to be a long month and a half, but we will be reunited in August.

Express Yourself

I've always been the type of person who wanted to make everyone happy. I hate arguing or conflict of any type. I don't understand why or how people can be so mean. I consider myself a nice person with good intentions. I like to help people whether they need help doing something or just a friend to listen. I'm a go-to person when times get tough, and I like it.

I relate to people well. I can find some common interest, a bond, and build a conversation from that similarity. It's what I like to do. I enjoy people. I like to "study" people. What makes them go? What are their dreams? What's their life story? The stories are different for every person. One of my most overused phrases is "I don't judge." Now, I'm not a saint; that's not 100% true. Whenever people tell us something we subconsciously form a judgement in our head. Whether I judge to be good or bad, I can usually accept whatever it is. I may not approve of what you're doing or saying but it's your choice and I can't stop you. The only choices left from this are to accept you for you who are or to not associate with you. Taking the time to listen makes it easier to accept people because you have a better understanding. In many situations you can figure out why people are the way they are.

Like I said, because of willingness to help and my interest in people, I usually get along well with others. So when I come across someone who doesn't like me, I tend to get offended.

During a late night heart to heart with some of my favorite neighbors, Moe made a statement that stuck with me. "If everyone likes you, there's something wrong with you." My first thought was "No that's not right." But the more we talked and the more I thought about it, it makes sense.

I am a people pleaser. Like I said I hate conflict and would do just about anything to avoid a potential problem. I never want to pick or make decisions when I'm with a friend if it will affect us both for fear they won't agree with me or like what I choose. I'm always willing to make the sacrafice. Now I realize just how silly that is.

If everyone we encountered liked us, well, then it would seem as if we were only pretending. It would seem as though we are changing our personality, our beliefs, attitudes, behaviors, whatever, only to fit in. I should not abandon my feelings and beliefs just because I don't want to offend or upset someone else. Our opinions make us who we are. While similarities in interests and personality may help spark a friendship, it's the ability to make compromises that holds a relationship together. By forfeiting my feelings, I'm forfeiting my identity. People never get to know the real me.

I hope that after having read the word "pretending" you're not thinking I'm fake, because I'm not. I care about people. I always have and will continue to do so. From now on though, I am going to care for people in a way that shows I care about myself, too. How can you help and care for others if you can't help and care for yourself first?

Embrace Opportunity

"Don't let the fear of striking out hold you back." -Babe Ruth

This quote as well as the similar "Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game" have become popular motivational advice for young baseball players. Not only is it used for these young athletes though. Many people look to this quote when attempting to make decisions where rejection is a potential outcome. Whether you're applying for a job, looking for a significant other, trying to find new ideas at work, you need something or someone to remind you that it's okay that you didn't get what you wanted because there's other things, people, or ideas out there.

I am a nervous person. Applying for a new job and talking to a guy I like can become problematic, especially because I overanalyze everything. The second if not first scenario that comes to mind is yup, you've probably thought it at some point too, "what if they don't like me?" (whether it's the company, boy, etc.) Many times with this thought we remove ourselves from the game. You can't be rejected if you don't try. So the question becomes: is it better to have tried and have been rejected than to have never tried at all?

For me personally, I analyze the situation. If I'm happy or content with my life why try? I like the way things are going, why take the risk of being rejected and risk the unhappiness of feeling like I'm not good enough? If nothing's going right well then what the hell, I've got nothing to lose why not go for the gold? Go big or go home.

The problem is, I wish I didn't analyze the situation. I wish that I had the guts to take the risk every time. If I'm considering some option, then I'm probably considering it because I believe it would make me happy. Okay, so I might be content with life right now, but if things were to work out in my favor I would be that much happier. So by removing myself from the risk I may avoid rejection but could be missing out on happiness.

So here's where my question about this whole baseball analogy comes into play. In baseball, athletes practice to become better. They practice to avoid the strikeouts. Can we practice taking the risk? Whether it's teaching ourselves coping skills if we were to get rejected or making back up plans? Would it work by applying it to little options/situations in our lives and eventually working our way up to bigger ones?

I'm sick of chickening out and discrediting myself before I even take the chance. I know only I can change this, I just need to figure out the how. Everyone strikes out at some point, hell sometimes we're in a slump. But it's the recovery that counts. Do you have the guts, the courage, the mentality, and the will to make the come back? By removing myself from the game, I'm guaranteed to have no strike outs, but I could be missing out on my home run. So, it's game time. Put me in coach...I'm ready to play ;)

Appreciate Your Youth

From the time we're little we want to be older. As kids we play dress up, raiding our parents closets and putting on a purse and high heels (for us girls) or if you're a boy finding dad's work shoes and one of his ties. In this sense, pretending to be grown up is cute and shows our parents that we love and look up to them, but people's desires to grow up make me wonder...

As I look around at the youth (in Toledo at least), I worry about these kids and also worry what will become of the generations after them. I see kids that can't be any older than 13 walking down the street, cigarette in hand. There are the 7th and 8th grade girls that cake make-up on their face because society tells them it makes them pretty. In high school all anyone thinks about is getting out to go to college. Get away from the parents, the rules, the people. And finally, in college, there are those who opt for the fake ID, making them that golden age of 21. But why? Why does everyone want to be older? Why are we wishing away our youth?

Then there are those who don't necessarily choose to grow up but are forced to. Those kids who don't have the best lives at home, who work to pay the bills for whatever the reason, or take care of their baby sister or brother. They witness and are put through trials that force them to make decisions that they should never have to make and they mature too fast.

Society has made adulthood look appealing to youth in some way that I cannot grasp. Why for instance would someone at the age of 12 want to spend 30 minutes in the mirror getting ready for school? What would make kids want to smoke? What makes them think it's fun to do drugs and drink during high school, things that cause many kids trouble and sometimes lead to jail, something no child should ever have to experience, but do because of the choices they make. Is it because of what we see on t.v. and in the movies today? We as "adults" have become desensitized to what we see and allow the youth to watch what we watch without realizing that those watching with us are young and impressionable and pick up on what they see in a way we do not understand.

When talking to a former high school teacher the other day the topic of teen pregnancy came up. I was informed that approximately 15 sophomores alone were pregnant over the duration of the school year. 15 SOPHOMORES ALONE. That doesn't include seniors, juniors, and Heaven forbid, any freshman that might have been pregnant. Once these girls have their babies (and those boys who choose to be fathers) their lives will be turned upside down. Their definition of fun becomes different from those their age who do not have a child. At that point they are grown up and have to be because they're taking care of someone so young and vulnerable.

It's funny when you think about it--kids wish their time away, wanting to be older and yet, once adults reach a certain age, they wish they could be kids again. When they're kids and grandkids reach a certain age, a trigger is switched and they tell stories, reminiscing about their days in high school and college. The elderly would give anything to be young and more agile again instead of always in pain from things like arthritis or other health problems that arise after age sets in. Older women wish they didn't have to cake the make-up on to cover up wrinkles.

I can't lie and say that I've never spent time wishing that I was older for whatever the reason. But I can say after thinking about it I'm going to start appreciating what I have left of my childhood and youth. Maybe work a little less and play a little more--because after three years I'm not going to have any other choice. After that there's no turning back. You only get to live your childhood once. I'd rather spend it acting foolish and having fun than wasting it away wishing I was older, just to wish I could have it back.