You're Never Alone

For us single people, it can be painful to live from day to day and watch couples around us walk hand-in-hand being happy. For me it's not so much painful, but maybe a thought of 'I wish I had that' crosses my mind. Every now and then I miss knowing I have someone that loves me unconditionally, in an intimate way, more than "just friends."


For most women, I feel like one of our biggest fears is ending up alone. From the first time we watch our first romance movie, we can't wait to have a boyfriend of our own, to hold hands, to have a first kiss. Then to accompany our first love we experience our first break-up and wish we'd never liked him in the first place. Our friends console us by telling us that he was a jerk and we deserve better but we asks ourselves what's wrong with me? Why doesn't he like me? What can I change? From that point on we change and mold ourselves into what other people (specifically our flavor of the week) want us to be. For some reason we subconsciously think it is better to be unhappy trying to be something we're not than being alone.


We've all been there before. There's a guy. Sweet, charming, cute. Catches you off guard and WHAM, you've fallen off your feet (onto your face nonetheless). While attempting to pick yourself up from the fall you are too blind to realize that maybe he's not that great, and once again assume the position on your face while you're falling for his smile, jokes, and personality. You like the affection, the nicknames, cuddling.


Then one day you realize something's not the same. He's not calling anymore- you always are, and he's not answering. Not only isn't he answering, but he's not returning. But it's perfectly acceptable for him to call you when it's convenient for him. He does some questionable things and your friends warn you. Instead of agreeing you stick up for him, make excuses. "Yea, well he's been really busy lately..." or "He's just having an off day."


We always find some excuse. We're sure he still likes us. Well, from personal experience it's either one of two things. 1) He's not the person you thought he was or 2) He's just not that into you (whether his feelings deteriorated over time or he never really was in the first place but just liked the fun of it). We let them walk all over us and hurt our feelings, and yet we defend them. Why?


I tried researching this. I didn't know if there was some chemical in women's brains that made them hold on. I didn't find anything about any chemical imbalances, but did find an interesting fact: " Romantic rejection triggers the same circuits in the brain as does physical pain." This is an interesting point but confusing to me at the same time. For instance, when we're babies one of the lessons we learn is to avoid the oven. We accidently put our hands on the oven door and are burned. We then associate the oven with being hot, and hot with hurting. So from then on we try our hardest to avoid touching hot things. So why isn't it the same with guys and their antics? These rejections trigger the same circuits as physical pain-- we've all suffered the emotional hurt yet we DEFEND them and let them continue to toy with us. Shouldn't it be the same with the oven? Shouldn't we experience the hurt and try to avoid putting ourselves in the same future situations? Because we don't.


For future reference, if in doubt, run. If the guy wants you he'll chase after you. If he doesn't, you're saving yourself the unnecessary hurt.


And as for being alone, fear not. I am rarely if ever worried about ending up alone. I may not have a significant other to spend my time with, but that doesn't mean I'm alone. There's some pretty amazing people I call my friends and family, and I know they're always with me. They will love me no matter the circumstances and will help me get through whatever the situation.


After I broke up with a boyfriend of three years I felt alone. But as I look back I realize I chose to be alone. My friends were waiting to help me, but I wouldn't let them. It is easier to be alone and tell ourselves we are alone than to let others in for fear of their judgements. But I know that those who love me will look past their judgements and love me unconditionally. It's okay, we all need a little help sometimes...